No matter what you say,
no matter what you do.
I’m trapped inside myself.
And I can’t find a way out.
I scream,
apparently to protect myself.
But from what?
I think I hear you,
but it’s just my filters.
You say, “You only hear your own echo,”
and all I hear is
what I’ve always heard.
You say, “You don’t see me.”
And again, all I hear is, “You’re not good enough.”
You see me, but I don’t want to see that.
Because then I can no longer hide
from all the uncomfortable feelings
that come
with truly seeing myself.
I’d love to crawl back into my echo chamber.
To retreat back on the defensive with a “but you.”
Not to feel that I was once too weak.
Too weak to defend myself.
Too weak to protect myself.
Too weak to set boundaries.
But it’s time.
Time to realize,
that I haven’t been weak for a long time.
That there’s no real danger anymore.
That I don’t have to protect myself from you.
That it was never about fighting, winning, or losing.
That I can only find peace within myself if I lay down my weapons.
I couldn’t hear you.
And that’s why I had to scream.
But only when I realize
that there’s no reason to scream,
when I can hear the silence within myself,
do I have a chance to truly hear you.
I couldn’t realize it on my own,
that I was screaming for no reason.
I saw your reflection and thought the mirror was you.
But it takes a village—even for relationships.
Other people, other perspectives.
Voices we let through all our protective shields,
straight into our hearts.
Voices that whisper to us: “Everything is okay.”
Voices from back then.
Voices from today.
Voices from the shadows.
Voices from the light.
All the voices like fractals through which the light breaks.
So that a voice can truly reach me,
and I can learn,
to truly hear again.
to truly see again.
Not to finally learn how to be connected.
But to realize that we were never truly apart.
