“We need more strong women—show yourselves.” That, or something similar, was a post on Threads by Maxim Mankevich some time ago. Actually, it was well-intentioned, wanting to support women. One would think. And yes, it was definitely well-intentioned, and yet there are more and more nuances showing up here as well.
Some of the comments below the post reminded me that we as women don’t have to be like men to be strong or show strength. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard this perspective, and as a woman, it helps a lot of good to hear it. Even if it’s often not clear to me what that actually means in concrete terms. But it inspired me to explore this topic some more.
Definitions and freedoms
Before I delve deeper into the question of how we can possibly relearn what it means to be a woman, I will take a brief detour to set the scene. Because all of us—regardless of which gender or how many genders we identify with—are essentially in a global identity crisis. Old role perceptions are falling away, new ones are being tested and then discarded. We try to find ourselves in definitions of “man,” “woman,” or various other labels. And when we fail to do so in existing definitions, we try to redefine them or search for completely new labels.
These definitions give us stability. With the help of others who are similar to us, they enable us to better understand our inner system of how we think, act, and feel, and why we do so. Perhaps this involves biological or cultural or social differences as well as similarities. But the criteria are often difficult to define.
As much as a definition of who we are and a derived explanation of how we function can help us to understand ourselves better, it can just as much get in the way and constrain us. This is especially true when we slip into patterns of over-adaptation in the process of finding belonging. Because the residual question always remains: Are my thoughts, actions, and feelings based on my belonging (to being a man/woman/other) or are they an individual expression?
Being a woman
So now we need to take a look at the definition of a woman. Since many people are grappling with this question at the moment, and it is causing heated discussions, divisions, and hurt feelings, I would like to attempt to come up with a unifying definition.
Regardless of whether we can make clear and sometimes not so clear distinctions from a biological point of view, for me, being a woman is also strongly linked to intergenerational socialization. And thus also to the associated intergenerational traumas and experiences that have happened again and again.
I would therefore like to define the word “woman” here as referring to people who have been socialized as women and/or were born biologically female when I use this word in this article.
This definition is primarily intended to be helpful so that we can first identify with it (or not) in order to take a closer look at what wounds, needs, and desires are within us, so that we can then return to the individual and say, “Yes, that’s true, that’s how it is for me and for many others, but this is where I differ.” Because it is only in contrast that we can recognize who we are and who we are not.
Separation and connection
When I live outside in the forest with a group of people for a while, there is often a desire for a women’s circle and a men’s circle. There, it’s clear that I’m part of one group and not the other. Of course, I am always incredibly curious about what is shared in the men’s circles. And if I am honest, not knowing this quickly makes me feel anxious. But it is also okay not to know something and not to belong somewhere. What is much more important is that there are also circles where we are all together again and share the things that connect us.
Because there are differences. And it’s important to talk about them and share with others who have had similar experiences. But there are also similarities that connect us. And only when we can accept both and allow them to exist simultaneously can the (inner and outer) fight end.
Healing relationships
It is particularly important to address this issue in the context of heterosexual relationships. It can help us to recognize certain dynamics of generational trauma so that we can learn to deal with them better, understand each other better, break certain patterns, and heal wounds.
Then, as women, we can learn how to deal with the fact that we no longer have to submit to someone more powerful (men) and therefore no longer have to manipulate others in order to survive. We can also learn that we don’t simply have to reverse the power dynamic and use the same techniques and strategies that men have used.
As a result, we can then also find out how we can end this war between men and women by recognizing that we need each other. That we are good at certain things and not so good at others. And men, too, can recognize that they do not need to exercise power over us because if we stop believing that we need to defend ourselves, we do not pose a threat to them.
So as long as we do not acknowledge that we are different and thus enter into this apparent separation, we have no way of recognizing and experiencing that, at our core, in the greater whole, we are nevertheless inseparably connected, mutually interdependent, and thus truly free.
