I have been self-employed since 2018. But I have only really felt that way for the last 1-2 years. And since then, I have slowly realized how the enthusiasm I originally had for this venture died the moment I wanted to make something of it. Where it was no longer enough for me to enjoy doing something, but where it had to serve a purpose. Where it had to make money. Where it had to attract potential customers. In short, where I was no longer doing it for myself.
Artist or entrepreneur
Tad Hargrave has observed that as self-employed people, we have to figure out where we are on the spectrum between artist and entrepreneur. Basically, the spectrum between creativity and goal-oriented pragmatism. And it’s a very important insight.
However, I now believe that we usually live out one or the other part of ourselves, suppressing and rejecting the other. We think it’s an either/or question. That we have to give up one if we move more in the other direction.
Getting to know both sides
Maybe it’s the dreaded seventh year, maybe it’s just coincidence, maybe it’s something else entirely, but I’m realizing more and more that we have to make peace with both “extremes” if we want to be independently satisfied in the long term. And to do that, we need to get to know both sides. That also means looking at our inner resistances.
What is it you sell?
In the market and also in marketing, the question is basically: what do we offer and what do we actually sell? It is not so relevant who buys it. It is much more a question of who we are and who we become, depending on what we sell and how we sell it. And whether it is about selling, peddling, or offering.
You may call me a nitpicker, but there is a different energy behind whether someone wants to sell something, whether someone wants to offer something, or whether someone just wants to do their thing and be left alone.
When we want to sell, it often feels like we actually want to trick the other person and take money out of their pocket, and give them something so that they don’t immediately realize that they’ve actually been ripped off.
If we just want to do our own thing, we are actually stuck in the stage of a small child who has not yet understood that the world does not revolve around us and that not all people (representing our parents) are there to serve us.
But when we reach the point where we can offer something as a contribution to the common good, and also know the value of this contribution (which is independent of our own value as human beings), then the inner struggle ends.
Where is the enthusiasm?
I started my journey with enthusiasm. I attended courses that showed me new paths and connected me with people who were also following their own paths. Among other things, I started projects (e.g., buying a container and converting it to live in it) and blogging about them. There was a lot of enthusiasm, but I actually did it for myself. I published my writings, but I didn’t really think about reaching anyone with them. It was an offering. A gift, without knowing what I was doing.
Then, based on this blog, I was offered the opportunity to write guest posts for a larger blog, for which I was also paid. And at the beginning, the enthusiasm was still great. But over the years, it became more and more of a chore. I had to deliver. The enthusiasm was gone.
At some point during this time, I also took the plunge into self-employment. And suddenly, the big question arose: how could I make money so that I could also make a living from my services? I followed the narrative that it was necessary to sell myself. I followed the manipulative marketing down the rabbit hole and became increasingly tense, increasingly focused on “selling” and how I could market “myself.”
The curiosity to learn and truly understand all of this drove me forward. It was this curiosity that gave me the strength not to give up and to believe that this path must be possible, but maybe in a different way. It was an important force, but even it alone cannot last forever. Enthusiasm is also needed. But that had long since disappeared, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself.
But what ultimately saved me was my absolute devotion to the source, the divine, the universe, the greater power, or whatever you want to call it. Through this devotion, I had to take a radically honest look at myself. I had to recognize where I had taken “wrong” turns. And I had to realize that I need this childlike enthusiasm because it allows love and beauty to flow.
But I also needed all these detours to become more and more aware of my value. Not to know, through my value, at what price I could sell myself, but to know my inner value, that I must never sell myself. And that it is important to grow up and make my contribution. To spread my offerings and no longer hide them.
Now the enthusiasm can return, but it is not only paired with curiosity, but also with my inner value and dedication to my task in this life.
Write as if no one will read it
For many years now, I have only updated my blog very sporadically. I have written a lot, but I haven’t published most of it because various thoughts came to mind that prevented me from doing so. Either it was the fear that it wasn’t polished enough, that it didn’t look good enough, or the fear that the text itself wasn’t professional enough, or that people would think this or that about me and then not want to work with me. Or it was simply the thought that no one was interested in what I was writing here anyway.
None of these thoughts were there when I started blogging. I just followed my enthusiasm, and it didn’t have to serve any other purpose.
And now? Now I’m giving it another try. I’m going to write as if no one is reading it. And at the same time, I’m writing as if it could change the whole world. Because I know that when I write and share it—in other words, offer it—it changes MY world. It helps me to recognize my inner value more and more deeply, so that I no longer fall into the trap of ever wanting or needing to sell anything to anyone again. But also so that I don’t end up on the other side, becoming a martyr and completely sacrificing myself for others, or ending up hiding again.
Adult self-employment
Self-employment does not have to be the death of enthusiasm. Or rather, it is the special task of sustainable self-employment to either never lose enthusiasm or to find it again and again, without losing sight of one’s own value, inner peace, and thus what really matters. Because self-employemnt (just like a job or a completely different path in life) is basically just the external expression of our inner world. And it’s time to grow up.
