When I say that I hold space, many people don’t know what I actually mean. Or they think it’s just some esoteric mumbo jumbo. But the more attuned you become to your own perceptions and the moods in a room, the more you understand what someone means when they talk about “holding space.”
What exactly is “holding space”?
The best way I can describe it is to maintain focus and pay attention to where people are at, what they might need, and what the mood or energy is like in a group.
This could mean keeping the focus during a meeting and pointing out when the discussion has strayed too far from the topic or when the planned time is not being adhered to. It can also mean paying attention and addressing it when a discussion strays from the factual realm and becomes an emotional battle between hurt children. But holding space also means simply sitting on the sidelines and observing your own children at the playground or elsewhere and being able to intervene if something happens.
In the context of one of my wilderness programs, it means paying close attention to what the people in the group need, both on a physical as well as on an emotional or mental level.
Holding your own space
Regardless of any specific role in groups, it is both possible and important to also hold your own space.
This involves paying attention to your own emotions and emotional state, and intervening when you notice that you are not responding appropriately to the situation. It means staying focused in conversations with others as well as in our inner dialogue and recognizing when we are straying from what is actually at stake. And it includes recognizing when we are overwhelmed or have exceeded our limits, and taking appropriate steps to regain our inner balance.
So the more we manage to hold our own space for ourselves, the more pleasant it becomes for the people around us.
When we abandon our space
However, if we don’t hold our space, this task almost inevitably spills over to others. This creates a contract that is usually unspoken and not transparently agreed upon by both sides. It’s as if we are both holding a package, and suddenly, without saying anything, one of us unloads the package onto the other. And the other person can then (usually unconsciously) decide whether or not to carry the other person’s package.
But since this happens without clear agreement, there is always an uneasy feeling. Then questions may arise such as “Can he not do it right now or is he just lazy?” or “How long am I supposed to hold this?” or even “Does she realize that she is unloading her package on me?”
All of this requires additional energy and is unnecessary.
When communication is clear
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where it is partially or even completely impossible, or seems impossible, to maintain our own space. Then we have to place our package with someone else somewhere. In these situations, however, it is important to communicate clearly (if that is still possible) that you need the other person to hold space for you because you are unable to do so on your own. This includes clearly communicating how long this will take. It is also best to check with the other person to see if they are even able or willing to do so.
This can also be done nonverbally. For example, if someone is in a state of shock, we may be able to tell from their body language or behavior that they need someone to hold space for them. But here, too, it is a mutual agreement, as we, as space holders, decide for ourselves whether or not to take care of this person.
When holding space becomes intrusive
For many people, holding space is a very honorable task. It is supportive and therefore can never be wrong, right?
But what about situations where we are challenged and may have needed help in the past, but are now strong enough, even if still a little uncertain? Then holding space for someone else can also be intrusive and might communicate to the other person that we don’t believe they can do it on their own.
A good example of this is when a small child stumbles and falls, and adults immediately rush over before it is even clear whether they have hurt themselves or how bad it actually is. It is rushing to help before it is clear whether the other person needs help.
This happens all the time, even as adults. For example, when we are insulted by someone in a conversation and a third party intervenes and says that it was unfair or mean. In doing so, they take away our opportunity to stand up for ourselves and at the same time communicate to us that they don’t believe we can do it ourselves.
The meta-level of holding space
Ultimately, the issue of intrusive space-holding brings us back to ourselves and the fact that we are primarily responsible for holding our own space. This allows us to recognize when we feel compelled to hold space for others out of an emotional need or wound, even though it is actually about ourselves.
And in the few cases where it is actually necessary to hold space for someone else or a group, it is important to remember that the conditions must be clear (e.g., the specific time frame, context, etc.), that all participants were able to give their conscious and transparent consent, and that everyone is aware that the ultimate goal is always for the person(s) for whom the space is being held to get back to the point where they can hold their own space again.
A continuous learning process
All of this can be quite challenging, especially because in the Western world we have often learned to relinquish our responsibility and have never really learned to consciously hold our space.
So, both for ourselves and in settings with one or more people, it is a continuous learning process to practice holding space in a wide variety of situations, to recognize when we are no longer doing so, and to recognize when we are doing it for others who have not asked for it or do not need it, but perhaps unload it onto us out of convenience.
