I have a big confession to make…
About 7 years ago I have set out my journey to radically follow my heart. And some time along that way, I got extremely sidetracked by my fear of not being a productive member of society / my clan, which in turn – in my head – is tied to earning money. I have figured out that I like helping people, so all the things I have been doing the last almost 4 years have been – on the surface – geared towards that.
In the beginning, I even “allowed” myself to have the time and space to find my connection to my inner voice. For 3 months or so, and I constantly talked about how important it is, to listen to and follow that inner voice. And it is – to me – the most important thing. But I haven’t radically truly communicated that to the universe through my actions. I did do a lot of self-discovery and unfolding of my inner voice, also after these initial 3 months, but I hadn’t noticed that I had put myself in a cage to do so.
What I realized more and more over the last few weeks and months is, that my actions still have mostly been guided or at least tweaked by fear.
The fear of being worthless and not enough.
I had started to build my coaching and mentoring business, but it didn’t really want to get off the ground. I guess a lot of people felt my inner dissonance, that I’m not really living what I “preach”. The thing that did work, was the IT consulting for websites and social media.
I was confident enough in my credibility in that topic from the start, and it wasn’t tried to my staggering personal growth. And I do acknowledge, that I’ve grown immensely over the last 8 years.
Wow. A long time…
But I have so much unpublished work. So many almost finished blog posts. So many videos that I recorded and now tell myself are outdated.
All, because the “people who made it” tell “me”, that you need to focus on the customer. on the people you want to help. And it’s all true. But I already knew years ago, that I feel completely drawn to sharing my path, my story of following my heart. Without any masks or faces of making myself “better” than I am. Without filters of any kind.
And of course I can now reflect on a lot of things I went through, see the learning and show the warnings. But that’s not my path. By now, I feel like the universe is shaking me and shouting it into my ear with a megaphone: I’m not here to get to a point where I’m “higher” than the people I want to help. I’m here to be in the trenches with you. To know exactly (sort of) what you’re going through. And not from some experiences I may have had years ago, that I now completely transcended. But because I went through that shit last week. For the 20th time in some form or an other.
And this is not a reason to be scared that I won’t be able to hold you in your process. It is actually THE reason I will be able to accompany you standing right next to you. Scarred and bruised, but stronger for it. This is also, why I can see that the 2-week long wilderness immersion I recently co-guided, and the upcoming immersions I’m planning are a vital part of what I offer.
I’m done trying to pretend to be a distant, benevolent, “Guru-type”, that has it all figured out. I’m here to be me. Share my insights. Share my story. Dive deeper. And invite you to come on that journey with me.
It’s going to be messy. I can’t promise you any great outcome. It might be really challenging at times. The only thing I can offer with all my true heart is, that I will be here. Be present. See you. Listen to you. Listen to what you may wisper on the surface and scream from the bottom of your heart.
I will take off my clothes and be naked first, so that you can learn/feel encouraged to be naked too.
Everyone else, who is looking for motivational quotes or nicely polished words: You might be happier somewhere else. To anyone looking for IT-support for their social media or website: I’d love to work with you, but only if you are open and willing to go down the rabbit hole of your most personal truth along the way. If not, there are plenty of great people doing exactly what you tell them to. And if I end up with no people wanting to work with me, not trusting in my abilities to hold the space for deep inner work, I will continue with that one client that will always come: myself.
And the money, or food, or nourishment on whatever level will simply have to come from other sources. Going deep into my fears of being worthless is a completely different pathway in my brain, compared to realistically going through the thought of: What happens if my money runs out. Because in that scenario, I always find a way. Because I know, that I’m not alone.
Thank you for your attention. And thank YOU for being brave enough to be curious and open to that raw path of getting to know your inner voice.
I’d love to know, if any of that resonated with you. If you know that situation I described. Leave a comment, or contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.